Good Girl Writes

Maintaining Control or Giving Up Control

2009-02-07T18:33:00.000-08:00

It's hard to believe that I wrote these words here almost a year ago:
It makes me sad when blogs I have enjoyed reading go away or when you read of relationships that have fallen apart. I suppose it is like anything else in life - seasons change for people, phases end, people hurt each other whether they intended to or not - and somehow life goes on.

With everything that has happened in the past few weeks among blogs that I have enjoyed and then today I found myself not able to read a blog that I have followed for a long time (Danielle - if you could add me, I would still like to read what you have to say).

I've found myself once again feeling like I'm searching to find control lately (control over my debt, control over my stress, and control over the life stuff that inevitably goes wrong). Isn't it ironic that control - the very thing that sometimes I most want to give up - is something that I keep trying to find? I've been really stressed lately - it's been a difficult week.

I've been thinking about the recent discussion that Constance and Mr. C have been having on their blog lately. It's about truth and consistency I think. From what I know from what I've read, I think that's what makes their relationship work. It is difficult to find a man who is able to be honest always and consistent, who knows who he is and what he wants, and who knows how to really take care of a woman. I am an independent woman - there is no doubt about that. I am intelligent, creative, and I know how to communicate. I know how to communicate about what I believe and what I think and what I want. I think there are a lot of men who are threatened by that in some way. I think there are a lot of men who think that submissive means something that it doesn't.

I want to find someone who loves me unconditionally. I want to find someone who respects me always. I want to find someone who will consistently be there. I want to find someone who I can trust completely. I want to find someone who will tell me when I'm wrong, who will tell me to stop when that's what I need, who will tell me when it's time to stop trying to be in control.

Someday....I'll find him....I hope.

You Can't Believe Everything That You Read On The Internet

2009-01-23T18:27:00.000-08:00

Such a thin line
Between what is real and what is make-believe
I thought I knew your story
I thought I knew your life

Turns out I had just fallen
Through the rabbit hole like everyone else
A Million Little Pieces of the blogosphere
Autobiographical fiction

We all believed it to be true
Maybe we wanted to believe it
Maybe somehow we needed to

That love could be so lasting and real
That life could be this way
That lies were impossible
That lore was truth

Instead to discover
Well developed illusion
Figment of your imagination
An alternate universe

Perhaps I should have known
Yet I find myself duped again
Caught up in internet lies

Unable to detect the line
Distorted perception
Between what is real
And what is make-believe

This I know
I am real
And truth
Matters

NOTE: I apparently had not read some of the blogs I usually follow in a few days, only to discover last night that there was some chaos. I wrote this today.

Testing the Boundaries

2008-09-21T16:48:00.000-07:00

I don't want to push.
I don't want to be defiant.
I don't want to be disrespectful.
I don't want to disappoint.
I don't want to test the boundaries.
I knew that's what I was doing.
I think I needed to see if he would still be there.
I think I needed to see if what he said was true.
I think I needed to see if he was going to let me get away with it.
I think I needed to see if it would still be okay.
I think I needed to test the boundaries.
So I did.
Now I know.
I was spanked.
I was forgiven.
I was even told that I probably would test him again.
If I do, he'll spank me again.
I don't think I need to test that anymore.
Now I know.

Moving Through Difficult

2008-03-02T07:46:00.000-08:00

It makes me sad when blogs I have enjoyed reading go away or when you read of relationships that have fallen apart. I suppose it is like anything else in life - seasons change for people, phases end, people hurt each other whether they intended to or not - and somehow life goes on.

I was talking to someone yesterday who is in a relationship where he spanks his wife both for pleasure and for discipline and I asked him "when you find the right person, does it get easier or is it still difficult?" He told me that it is still difficult - it is always difficult.

I suppose I'm not expecting comments on my blog yet and even if you are reading this, you may not comment. I know I have "lurked" on blogs for about a year now and I regularly read the blogs on the list at the right but most of them have never had a comment from me. I think I'd like to ask though - "When you find the right person, does it get easier or is it still difficult?" And if you've been through "difficult" - how did you get to the other side of the difficult times and was it worth it?

I am hopeful that someday when I find the man of my dreams that the commitment and the love would prevail through the difficult times that life brings.

Then You Understand Why I'm Going To Spank You

2008-03-01T08:01:00.000-08:00

She knew as soon as he took her wrist that she had gone too far. She quickly ended the conversation and followed him. Looking over her shoulder, she saw the sales clerk standing there looking suprised that the heated conversation was over and a bit relieved. She had gone too far - she knew she had; but, here he was walking away before she had even gotten her refund. Walking fast too -why was he walking so fast?

Once they were down a less trafficked corridor of the mall, he stopped walking and looked at her. She was having difficulty making eye contact - she didn't want to see the look that she knew she would find in his eyes. They had talked about her need to go see about the refund this morning and he had cautioned her that no matter what, she was to treat the sales clerk with respect and not lose her temper and not make it personal. The words "are you an idiot" coming out of her mouth just minutes ago probably wasn't her finest moment.

She stood there, absorbing the silence until he finally said her name. "Look at me," he said. She let her eyes meet his eyes and there it was, that look of disappointment. He spoke in a low even tone, he never raised his voice to her. She was the one more likely to yell, to escalate things. He always was so calm. "We talked about this," he said, "you know how you behaved in there was inappropriate." "I know," she said looking away.

She glanced down realizing again that the merchandise to be returned was still in the bag in her hands and her refund was not. "You didn't have to make us leave before I got the refund though," she said. She was speaking much louder than she needed to. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw a couple passing by looking at them. Suddenly she realized he had seen it too. He said her name again and held her gaze. "Well, you didn't," she said a bit softer. "It kind of defeats the purpose if we leave before we have the refund," she said sarcastically. She knew better than to push him, they had talked about this before. And, he was right - she had been exceptionally rude in the store. But why she was being rude to him now in this moment was beyond her - what was she thinking?

She didn't have much time to figure it out. "Let's go," he said, taking her hand and walking toward the exit. Her mind began reeling, trying to figure out how to undo the last 5 minutes. "I'm sorry," she said. "I shouldn't have acted that way - I shouldn't have talked to you that way - I'm sorry." They walked outside toward the car. "Good," he said, "then you understand why I'm going to spank you."

To Be Continued...

Welcome

2008-03-01T08:00:00.000-08:00

I'm just a Good Girl
Who sometimes wants to be spanked
Who sometimes needs to be spanked
Who often dreams of being spanked
By a Great Guy

Someday I'll find him
Someday he'll find me
But until that day
When the man of my dreams
Is finally sharing the moments of my life

This is a place for thoughts and ideas
For stories and compositions
For musings and wonderings and rhyme
For the dreams and writings
Of a Good Girl